Ok! Ok! So I’ve technically broken my rule of thumb… I did not keep up with my blog entries, and here we are almost 9 months from delivering my busy princess Priscilla, and still praying for a full time job with benefits. —-> Note to self : REMEMBER YOU HAVE TO WAIT ON THE LORD!
Oops, my bad I’m falling out at the mouth about my personal goals instead of inspiring YOU! Yes, you the reader the individual who should be feeling encouraged right about now, but instead your having to read about my short comings as a wife, and a black woman. Are you tired yet? Well I hope your not because I have this load of 💩to drop off straight from my mental while I’m preparing grits and cheese eggs. So just pull up a chair and enjoy this inspiring 💩.
Yesterday I celebrated the 4th forgive me if my patriotism is short. However, in 1776 my ancestors were not independently recognized for heroic purposes, shoot I don’t even believe they got to enjoy a slice of ham, or a nibble of corn. Either way I’ve always enjoyed the 4th by traditional food indulging, and listening to the BANG! POW! Of illegal dynamite. That’s it! But you see yesterday I had a family member apologize to me and it felt good to hear it even though I was hot, tired, and just a tad bit thirsty I still smiled and reminded that person that it was all love from over here.
However I was reminded that even family will break disloyalty like a bad habit. I’m loyal to a degree that drives me in the ground of destroying people’s emotions once they break a bond of loyalty, especially FAMILY. Blood is not water, but I will cancel a blood bond like the fifteenth of every month cancellation. I’m loyal to family in a deep mafia way, if I can’t kill you, I will destroy your true emotions, I will erase you from my memory, and treat you like a outsider.
(Maybe that sounded harsh, but that’s just me).
Mind you in this very moment I’m cooking grits and all I can say is …. I wonder how Al Green is feeling today? 🤕 (just laugh at that part).
I’m writing from the depth of my soul which I believe has a few kinks and spare parts needed, but I don’t allow people to fill them, I simply place the spiritual words of the lord in those gaps so that I understand that this is how I was designed, and even God had a wrath. 😏 I’m not a picture painted perfect I’m more abstract, a rare maybe God saw it fit for me to be this way? Maybe he needed me to be outspoken, bold, risk-taker, and a few other things but those are the top tiers of myself. I display these attributes on a daily basis and last night was no different.
But this morning I needed the urge of no regret and some slight form of unapologetic. It seem like this morning I wanted to break down and cry. I wanted to cry because I don’t like feeling out of place it’s like I don’t want to be in control I just rather have peace and a morning session of cuddles and marriage <—- if you’re not married you wouldn’t understand what that is 😜 I dislike when my husband sleeps apart from me it’s a disconnect for at least 24 hours or until one of us has to make peace. This is the give and take of our marriage and it may not be how everyone else deals with their marriage but it works for us and at the end of the day I get to hug and love up on someone who knows my destructive will only last for a few seconds.
The unwinding road of marriage gives me a full conception of just how devoted you have to be in your spiritual walk. You have to know that your relationship with God is unwinding, but it’s true and it won’t allow you to quit or give up on what’s right. Finding myself through Christ is helping me see the woman I’m suppose to be to my husband. It allows me to make mistakes, but never apologize for the growth of self. My willingness to show my tears, sadness, and fears is the reason why I can truly say that marriage didn’t change me, it just did what God needed it to do for my transformation of self. I have to break that emotional stiffness that we tend to have as a defense shield so that no one will see how genuine our inner self can be.
The woman, well the “You” of self found out that it’s okay to remind your spouse that you can’t love without his affection, or his words of encouragement, or even the look of his eyes that allows you to see that even he is afraid to let you go out of love. This is how I know that what’s for me is good for me. The experience of how we grow within a situation proves how direct our heart and spirits develop within the ups and downs of the overall involved experience.
I will stop right there and allow you the time to think, or do you while the time is right. In the meantime I will just enjoy chipotle and conversation with my forever. ✌🏾