First time….. Baby!

8/5/2017

The smell of a labor and delivery room can either do you some good or simply make you wish God would speed your due date up.  Since this is my first baby my nervous system does not allow me to take any chances on things or feelings that are normal. At 36 weeks I’m making sure that Priscilla and I are at our comfort level of a significant 5 instead of a dangerous -1. So yes, I am that mom who goes to the hospital when the slightest case of bleeding, stretching, burning, or unusual tings happen do I feel bad about it? ABSOLUTELY NOT! 

I don’t pretend to know it all and I especially don’t want to sit on something that can seem like a normal, but then later turn into something drastic and helpless. My husband thinks I’m overwhelmed or just simply stretching my emotions, but what he can’t grasp is that this baby is in my body, using my bodily linen of bloods, and oxygens in order to survive for 9 months. Plus, she can’t talk within the womb so I have to take every single thing that may not look normal as a serious gesture. 

Just imagine how many women made it into their third trimester with plenty of unscheduled trips to the ER because of something they wanted to make sure wasn’t serious? Or exactly how many women listened to someone else and decided not to be bothered with the situation and their pregnancy took a turn for the worst. Since the first doctors visit I have heard the saying “every woman carries their pregnancy different.” Don’t believe that your pregnancy is the same as your mother, or grandmothers.  

For a first timer I am proud to say that I have made plenty of ER visits just because I didn’t want to sleep on the thought of something that seem minor, but could have serious effects later on. I don’t expect people to understand if they are not in my shoes if anything just respect the fact that it’s my first time, and I’m just a woman who will be a mommy once it’s over. 

Raymona 

Truthful Understanding… The hardships of being unemployed.

7/26/2017

So tonight my husband and I had this conversation that resulted in me saying ” I gotcha”! Or something to that degree. It was the reaction on his face after I made that comment that made me face my truth. I am unemployed! No, seriously I don’t have a full time job with benefits.  Since 2016 my husbands income has paid the majority of our bills including my car note, and even some of my miscellaneous expenses that even he made me go without until I can afford them at my own expense.

Now, let me say this so that there is a clear understanding of who I am as a woman. Before I met my husband I had my own income, paid my own bills, and enjoyed my miscellaneous expenses every pay period which included nails, pedicures, and salon visits. So when he met me I had something to bring to the table, however when I was fired from my job I decided to start a small business just to have pocket money. There’s a tremendous difference in having a business and wanting to be a millionaire over night. Umm, nope! That was never my angle. 

It was after I moved in with him that I found myself simply facing my truth that I would have a tough road ahead without a full time job. And now I’m moving my life into someone else’s bubble with little to no income. My husband was sincere with understanding my situation and decided to help me out with my finances. While he worked a full time, I decided to work a paper route delivering papers 7days a week getting paid every two weeks, with no benefits, and having to rely on a small amount of money to help cover bills that I just didn’t care too much about at that point. But the ambition in me was not willing to quit, or allow my circumstances to stop me from having money in my pocket. 

I’m a stash saver and if your curious as to what that is… date a drug dealer and find out how simple it is to stash a few dollars for a rainy day. I’m not a longevity saver, which is so wrong to say in this day in time, however I do believe that I am not alone as I’m sure there are a few people who cringe at that feeling as well. I’m not ashamed of it, I just always find a way to keep a hustle or have some sort of idea on how to get money before I have to borrow. 

I stop driving the paper route due to an enormous lack of sleep, anxiety, and having this urge to believe that I could jump back into the full time job race after 5 months. Believing that I had the momentum made me look forward to working and having income that could help my husband with bills, and allow me the comforts of having money when it was needed. The harsh reality was that no one was hiring someone who was over qualified, even when I scaled back my resume the truth was I wasn’t what they needed.  I can count on hands and toes how many jobs returned my applications inquiry with a simple “thank you”, “your resume is impressive, but we are moving on with further candidates.” 

Reading these emails would piss me off, but it would also spark this feeling of needing to prove them wrong. I didn’t want to show my desperation because that’s the first sign of losing hope. However, I was clear that if no one would hire me then I would continue to push my small business and prepare for other opportunities. 

Well,  here I am in the middle of 2017 and with a marriage, and a baby on the way I am part time employed with no benefits. The small business does what it needs to do when it counts, however I would rather define it as our small hustle whenever we need some money. My reality is simple: “You are not allowed to give up”! No matter how hard it gets watching people who I’ve known for so long have these incredible jobs, families, careers, etc. That does not give me the right to look down on myself or my situations and simply give up. Yeah, facing the truth is hard, it’s even harder hearing it but the understanding I get from knowing that my current state could be a lot worse allows me the benefit that I will have another day, another chance at getting a job that will loosen up this major bag of responsibilities that my husband is carrying. 

Until it happens I will continue to make strides toward bettering my chances, and furthering my education. 

Raymona 

Just make sure it’s good for you.

07/05/17

Ok! Ok! So I’ve technically broken my rule of thumb… I did not keep up with my blog entries, and here we are almost 9 months from delivering my busy princess Priscilla, and still praying for a full time job with benefits. —-> Note to self : REMEMBER YOU HAVE TO WAIT ON THE LORD! 

Oops, my bad I’m falling out at the mouth about my personal goals instead of inspiring YOU! Yes, you the reader the individual who should be feeling encouraged right about now, but instead your having to read about my short comings as a wife, and a black woman. Are you tired yet? Well I hope your not because I have this load of 💩to drop off straight from my mental while I’m preparing grits and cheese eggs. So just pull up a chair and enjoy this inspiring 💩. 

Yesterday I celebrated the 4th forgive me if my patriotism is short. However, in 1776 my ancestors were not independently recognized for heroic purposes, shoot I don’t even believe they got to enjoy a slice of ham, or a nibble of corn. Either way I’ve always enjoyed the 4th by traditional food indulging, and listening to the BANG! POW! Of illegal dynamite. That’s it!  But you see yesterday I had a family member apologize to me and it felt good to hear it even though I was hot, tired, and just a tad bit thirsty I still smiled and reminded that person that it was all love from over here.  

However I was reminded that even family will break disloyalty like a bad habit. I’m loyal to a degree that drives me in the ground of destroying people’s emotions once they break a bond of loyalty, especially FAMILY.  Blood is not water, but I will cancel a blood bond like the fifteenth of every month cancellation. I’m loyal to family in a deep mafia way, if I can’t kill you, I will destroy your true emotions, I will erase you from my memory, and treat you like a outsider.  

(Maybe that sounded harsh, but that’s just me). 

Mind you in this very moment I’m cooking grits and all I can say is …. I wonder how Al Green is feeling today? 🤕 (just laugh at that part). 

I’m writing from the depth of my soul which I believe has a few kinks and spare parts needed, but I don’t allow people to fill them, I simply place the spiritual words of the lord in those gaps so that I understand that this is how I was designed, and even God had a wrath. 😏  I’m not a picture painted perfect I’m more abstract, a rare maybe God saw it fit for me to be this way? Maybe he needed me to be outspoken, bold, risk-taker, and a few other things but those are the top tiers of myself. I display these attributes on a daily basis and last night was no different. 

But this morning I needed the urge of no regret and some slight form of unapologetic. It seem like this morning I wanted to break down and cry. I wanted to cry because I don’t like feeling out of place it’s like I don’t want to be in control I just rather have peace and a morning session of cuddles and marriage <—- if you’re not married you wouldn’t understand what that is 😜 I dislike when my husband sleeps apart from me it’s a disconnect for at least 24 hours or until one of us has to make peace. This is the give and take of our marriage and it may not be how everyone else deals with their marriage but it works for us and at the end of the day I get to hug and love up on someone who knows my destructive will only last for a few seconds. 

The unwinding road of marriage gives me a full conception of just how devoted you have to be in your spiritual walk. You have to know that your relationship with God is unwinding, but it’s true and it won’t allow you to quit or give up on what’s right. Finding myself through Christ is helping me see the woman I’m suppose to be to my husband. It allows me to make mistakes, but never apologize for the growth of self. My willingness to show my tears, sadness, and fears is the reason why I can truly say that marriage didn’t change me, it just did what God needed it to do for my transformation of self. I have to break that emotional stiffness that we tend to have as a defense shield so that no one will see how genuine our inner self can be. 

The woman, well the “You” of self found out that it’s okay to remind your spouse that you can’t love without his affection, or his words of encouragement, or even the look of his eyes that allows you to see that even he is afraid to let you go out of love. This is how I know that what’s for me is good for me. The experience of how we grow within a situation proves how direct our heart and spirits develop within the ups and downs of the overall involved experience.  

I will stop right there and allow you the time to think, or do you while the time is right. In the meantime I will just enjoy chipotle and conversation with my forever. ✌🏾

Raymona 

Bologna sandwiches and Belly Rubs…. the things about being pregnant!

1/24/2017

Ahh, ohh, la la, happy feet! 

These are just a few short words I let out each morning since the night I found out I was pregnant, and the morning after it was confirmed by a nurse. 

My first child, my first everything that God could create so perfect, and innocence. It’s almost like a dream a realistic dream that wakes up with me and sleeps with me, and applies just enough pressure on my bladder bag for a porcelain to capture the trickle.  

Each morning I taste different foods that have yet to be prep. I taste a fried bologna sandwich with a spread of mustard and a bag of chips. Or a hot dog with mustard and relish just a few of those habit foods that bring you comfortable and I’m assuming satisfies the little person inside my belly. I’m not sure even if he or she can taste it yet but if they could I’m almost certain they enjoy it because it doesn’t come back up in flames. 

When I’m thinking, or writing down my business plans or future projections I’m rubbing my belly and asking my inner child their thoughts and ideas for what they would like to contribute to mommys business and their future inheritance. I speak with big words, and seriousness because that’s just the boss in me. But the mom in me gives my child the rub of thanks and admiration because each day that I’m able to open my eyes the child in me gets to keep pressing forward in a such a way that even I catch myself wondering.  

This beautiful baby will grow, and I will grow with it. But my cravings for a traditional bologna sandwich fried with the splits and the spread will never stray, neither will the belly rubs of sincere thankfulness of just being able to be a body of love and nurture.  

Press on my child until your due date! 

Love Mommy. 

So this happen…. ?

1/12/2017

I said at the beginning of this month that the ball of ambition is all that matters right? Ok, cool… 

That was until I called my former graduate school (Won’t say any names) earlier this week. And I was so excited because the thought of re entering the program I had started seemed like a trill moment for me. I took a break from the program due to my health so my thought process was simple… Get better, Go right back to school! 

Mind you I had a 3.17 in a graduate program geared towards a teacher license. THEN the moment of truth hit me like Ike hit Tina in the back of that limo in Dallas. The state of North Carolina decided to do away with the program due to the schools location in another state. (BREAKDOWN) the program was cut from the state because they do not want a outside program giving licenses to future teachers who have to transfer back into the state to teach. 

Not that it bothered me when I got accepted into the program. I just felt like I had the dope in the bag on this one. I was so wrong, yet I was not shaken my core was yet to rot. See if you are going to brake me completely than you have to tell me that I owe some money and I won’t be able to order my transcripts.  

But just before I could ask that question the admissions counselor asked a simple question. Ms. Johnson, how are you? And how is your health? I remembered that this was the same lady who did my withdraw after I had my first understanding of how severe my health would be. She wished me the best, and insisted on my return once I got better. That alone made me feel extra special, but it gave me hope that my graduate school journey could still have a conclusion. The assurance of knowing that you don’t owe anything and you will always be in good graces was enough for me to start looking at other schools in the state to apply, and hopefully get a chance to finish my degree, and earn my teaching license. 

I know….. I didn’t think this was my avenue of purpose but it’s the fact that my motivator happens to be my best friend and fiancé. 

GO Mona! (As Nicholas Green would say) 

Raymona 

This Ball Of Ambition….

1/1/2017

Lord it’s Sunday, I know everybody has something to be thankful for especially if you made it into a new year. 

Let me just say this post is not for anybody basic, it’s not even thought out for people who have a regular 9 to 5. No this is not for you. No, this is strictly for the people who have cut loose the chains of having something that holds you down, makes it impossible for you to walk in your purpose. 

I’m speaking directly to the individuals who ended 2016 with no job, but have a business, they dug into their own purpose and pushed pass the pack of tight walkers who need cushion and sustainability. These are the people who say “enough, is enough.” 

Here is why this post is for them. THEY STARTED 2017 WITH THE BALL IN THEIR COURT!  I started 2017 with the ball in my court, no it’s not a basketball it’s a ball of ambition. Something that no one other than you can feel, your the only person that can sense it’s being, your the only individual who knows why it was put there, and you understand what you need to do with it. 

In the business world we base every important decision by the quarters. Every year there are 4 quarters which simply mean you have a window of time to accomplish what it is you need in order to display it for the consumer. For some it can simply be easy and for some it can be hard. The reality of understanding how hard one must work until the last quarter is based off the first 3 quarters. Chances are if you did well in the first 3 you may just cruise into the 4 quarter with little work to be done. 

Ambition is the ball the year is the quarters you have to start off with the best intentions in order to produce something great for the next quarter. But you see that ambition can’t deflate, it can’t leave you unless you get rid of it. You have to hold onto it like it’s the last breath until the last second. Everything that you learned in the year before must now lead you into this next quarter but remember you now have a ball of ambition to keep you busy and persistent until you reach the 4th quarter. 

Don’t think about the months ahead. Focus on the quarter your in and then push into the next quarter and repeat this until you realize the year is closing out and you are no longer dragging. You will get tired, but you won’t quit! 
See yourself on a different level right now! 

Raymona

Adult Argument. What needs to happen after the word play!

Choose those words…

11/12/2016

Shut up! You’re stupid, and here’s the ultimate deception I hate you!  Oh I know those words hurt just reading them, but imagine how deep they cut saying them to someone you love, or your spouse. 

Nick and I get into a few adult arguments, and I say adult because we are adults, and we don’t argue over the petty things we go in about serious things. You know… bills, finances, laundry day, cleaning day, or even how much money was spent on an item. Oh yeah! Our word play would piss scrabble off and probably disappoint the English language system. 

You see when your in a relationship as committed as ours you can take on some heavy emotions. Now don’t get me wrong I’m very much in love with my man there is absolutely no one who could replace at this point in my life. Our arguments can last for 30 seconds with a few harsh word punches, and even a roll of the eyes. It may even involve us having to separate into different parts of the house. 

Through the seconds, and minutes after the argument I am slowly reminded why the argument even started. He is reminded why, and we both see what we did wrong, and what was said wrongfully. God becomes the focal point of why we have to immediately make it right between us. He put us together, he crossed our paths. So in an instance we recognized that either one of us can live without the other one it just wouldn’t feel right. The book of life reminds us to love because it allows us to forgive through the wrong. I don’t ever want to get to a place where I can’t forgive and ask for forgiveness. 

Once we come back together and the forgiveness is in place we both settle the air with a much needed hug. It is something that the both of us needed or one of us needed it more than the other. Now your makeup action may be just settled on words, but between nick and I we need hugs because that is how we genuinely know love is still in its rightful place and nothing will change that. 

Here are a few makeup actions or words to choose from:

-Sorry

-I love you

-Choosing to Laugh

-Hugs

-Flowers

-Scripture Reading

-Walking 

-Favorite Meals

-Jazz Music 

-Cuddling 

Hugs are the best!

These are just a few, but you may create some on your own. Either way, find that common ground of forgiveness and ALWAYS COME BACK! 

-Raymona 

Breaking Point…. What exactly happens now?

10/15/2016

The best days for me are PAYDAY! but the worst days for me come at 2am every morning 7 days a week since July 29th. This pattern never stops, nor does it have a point of adventure there are days where I feel pointless, there are days I feel like a failure because I just want to get through the days and late mornings just to pay my bills. Or just to say I am employed (independently) makes me feel somewhat important because I manage subscriber accounts while I keep the return on profits.

But man! what exactly should I be doing with my life, with my hopes, my dreams, my aspirations, my voice? On my worst day I feel like a has been, or this “what happen” person which is why I stay quiet most of the times unless I want to be vocal on certain issues.

People always ask me what happen to the radio or what happen to you being on the radio. That question either gets under my skin or it makes me have to face my truth. Radio can either make you or break you and in my situation it took a individual to break me from my passion. She hated the possibility of exactly how far radio would carry me, and the truth that I was just as good as she was. She held a cloud over my career and I allowed one caught off guard moment to break me, it broke me to the point where I knew that the last time I picked up a pair of headphones would be my last.

I know for a fact Greg Sampson is pissed at me, I even feel as if I let him down because that was the genius behind the Mona J machine he created something special and he made it that way so that no one could touch or match it. Thats the power behind the magic that you hear once I broke the microphone and gave you the best of me in the 4 hours of time. And in 10 minutes of a phone call and a day incident I allowed someone to break me and break what that man spent his time crafting.

Now I face this huge cliff of what if? what if I went back into radio? My breaking point came at the reality of having someone chin check me on why I gave it up in the first place. Truthfully, its this fear of failure, its the fear of trying to be great on my own, the fear of numbers, the fear of judgement. POINT. BLANK. PERIOD!

So what happens after I throw up my nerves? I PICK UP MY FEELINGS AND PUT BACK ON A PAIR OF HEADPHONES AND WAIT FOR THE COUNT IN FOR THE MIC CHECK….

Yours truly…. THE RADIO DIVA!

Where is your worship? Finding the time to truly praise when it matters.

9/20/2016

Worship him in spirit, and in truth. -The Bible

The morning I was called into a small conference room with about 3 other administrators I found myself already at war with the preparation of words, and emotions. I knew what I was there for, and I knew what the outcome was going to be. The verdict was in and I was out. Yes! I was being terminated, fired! Finished! Done! Unemployed! It was that easy for them to let me go even though I had performed so well, and brought my talents to help run a machine driven by money, and politics. 

As a black woman I could have lost my composure, cool, attitude and flipped tables in that very moment. However, I was reminded that my purpose still has a plan, and that it will require a few setbacks and shortcomings. It was in that very moment my tears refuse to run, instead the spiritual soul in my heart allowed me to smile and tell those administrators thank you. Yes, thanks for allowing me to build my resume, reputation as a flexible, and reliable employee, for the benefits so that I was able to get proper health care for myself. It was humbling, yet bittersweet for those who knew they would lose out on something that was good. 

After that experience I remember the story of Job and how he endured so many challenges against his spirit, and his faith. All of it was on the line as God, and the devil observed his behavior through adversity, and defeat. Through that he found his worship, his peace, his love.  As a confident spiritual being you have to know how to trust your spiritual soul, your God, and your faith. Even from the start when your high up you should keep a worship, because it carries throughout your hardships and tribulations. 

Those are critical moments in your life because you can lose sight of how blessed you are. God gives and he takes its not a have it all and be content. Absolutely not!

Find it, USE IT! 

Raymona 

Your Small beginnings just need a dosage of water to grow.

9/18/16

Life can make us either hate ourselves, love ourselves, or even become selfish. But it’s within this life’s journey where we make the decisions to live in our potential and wanting our potential to bring us success. 

Why would you want to be successful? Or why would you even want to live in your potential? No matter how hard your beginnings started YOU have the ability to start small, and finish BIG. 

Take the littlest bit of water and soak in all of it. Learn from your mistakes, challenge your fears, chase after your potential with a passionate heart. Make the choices to grow your small beginnings with the littlest amount of water that life can give you. 

-Raymona

What you are is beautiful, and being who you are makes your potential much closer to reach. -Mona